being not good enough

  Basically so many things happened to me today that I just want to blurt out all at once. All I ever want to do now is to just scream and shout and let it all out. Everything is just so unbearable. Sometimes one of those worst feeling that one could ever experience is to know that even though one has tried their best, its never good enough. It seems that no matter how much effort I put in the things that I do, it is never seem to be good enough in the eyes  of others. It is even worst when they think you did not put in effort at all and  that you are useless as person or etc. 

  Sometimes all I ever want for someone is to have  faith / trust / belief in me. Is that something so difficult to ask for? I just want to be seen as a normal person and not someone who needs special care. I am a ordinary human being and is independent on myself. All of those special care just make me seen as stupid or had made me felt that way. 

  

living as a rollercoaster

  Yeah, it has been quite some time..Right now i know I should not be actually spending my time like this.. Things have changed indeed. I have took at least 60% of the papers. Yeah, you heard it, another 40% left. I am now just spending my time here, watching korean dramas and variety shows.. I feel like I just don't care about my studies now... People are always telling me, "Haha don't worry, you been mugging /working so hard everytime.." But i do not think i am at all. What people seen is just a side of me in school. Nobody knows what everyone is doing at home. As they say, " Everybody behave differently outside and at home" I of course do study at school, but it was never enough... Speaking about all of this, sometimes the people that you trust the most are the ones that hurt you the most. Or I would sometimes the people that can seem to be the most trusted the most are actually betraying the most. In conclusion, it seems that nobody could be trusted at all.

 I am a person who likes to express my feelings, ideas and all of my emotions. Because of that, it could lead to the worst things happening, Sometimes they get the idea that I am too negative or etc. the fact is that when I am displeased with something, i can't stop talking about it. Neither would i ever thought that it would be seen as complaining at all. that is the main point. I learnt that we should never get too attached to people, especially friends, because they change their minds everytime.
Friendship is fragile. In friendships, we can get replaced easily, even if you thought that the person would be your bestfriends ever. You never know who is backstabbing you. Maybe I should stop talking about things that are negative like this. Maybe that is just the human nature.. Nothing could be done after all. Sometimes I just need a place where I hope I could talk everything out comfortably. Does it seem very difficult after all?

  My life is indeed a roller-coaster right now, The emotions and lifestyle are changing, I felt like I am lost, lost in the world finding whom I really am. I need to reflect, to think, but that dosen't seem relevant anymore to me now..

  Honestly, I thought what I am writing now seem very vague. Events are not clearly described or explained. I have no idea why too. I just don't want to let out the events but more of my emotions. talking about the events dosen't help, although it helps in understanding what I was really feeling at that time.

  Things change very quickly, it is fast pace, it is intriguing. you never know what happens next.

  I have no idea what I am feeling right now, everything feels overwhelmed to me right now. I'll be back after I sort all my life changing emotions and events.

  signing off.
Carmen 01/11

Knowing yourself.

  Hey it's been some time! Life is definitely busy for me right now. And I still can't believe half a year is gone. If you actually realise it, I always say that sentence quite a lot. Perhaps often enough I always have that in my mind. I wonder is it because I did not cherish my time that is given to me or simply because I suck at time management.

    TIME FOR REFLECTION. 

   Anyway, we should always take the time everyday to reflect. Only if we reflect then we are able to identify the events that happened and learn from it. Everyday, we will always have positive and negative things that happen to us. If we actually take time to reflect, we can maybe learn something for it.

  Take for example, something bad happened to you at work earlier on. Upon reflection, we can actually identify the flaws behind it, and learn from the mistakes if we had committed them. 

  One thing that I actually realised after years is that we should always learn to listen to yourself. There will always be lots of unwanted advices and comments or opinions and we will often sometimes get influence from it very easily. Yes, we can of course listen to this advice when needed. It becomes a danger when we fail to listen to ourselves, and neglecting what we actually really want. As the saying goes, "Nobody can be trusted." It is true to a certain extent. I am not trying to be pessimistic or being sceptical but the world is often filled with negative/ double faced people or people who will try to bring you down. It is the human nature. We often care only about our own self-interest. These big ambition maybe often lead people to do certain harm to others. Certainly there people who are not as negative as what i have said earlier on.

  Take for example, the most classic example, Let say you are wondering which study course to go too, if people are selfish enough, they might advice you the course that might not be popular or etc. 

There are definitely more examples to name but it is endless. 

   My main point is that we should often enough not get influence by others easily. especially bad influence. We should have our own opinion and mind. We should have big open hearts at the same time. Of course not being too stubborn too. So with that, we can protect ourselves with negative influence. 

  Life is too short not to enjoy the things that you really want. 

Singing off, 

Carmen

Response to the video " why I am not proud to be an Singaporean"

  I had not actually took out my laptop for about a few weeks and now here I am here with an topic regarding the video " why am I not proud to be an Singaporean" video. Please watch the video if you have not do so and I will began this discussion. ( P.S: I am only saying how i felt towards this incident. it is all of my opinions alright.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydANJ5qLHG4

  So recently about a few days ago there was this drama kind of online going on lately here in Singapore. I only know about this incident just yesterday evening about 6pm when I began browsing through my twitter. I was in an eye-opener when I actually realised that there was so mentions about Steph Micayle's video stating that it was the truth when the title is so disturbing.

 And all the things I'm going to mention below later are all on my opinions that i truly felt about this video and all the discussion that had been going on.

  There are certain arguments brought up her which totally make sense to relate to the society in here. But of course there are some parts which I don't agree. As you know, there is two sides to everything.

       

   Firstly, I do really like Steph's way of expressing her arguments and her way of saying her points. I myself do posts YouTube videos and I do really use all this platforms to express my views too and I like people who does that too esp with regards to those topics. And I believe most or maybe all of the viewers will agree to this, which is reference to the tweets I found.

  I do agree with a point that Singapore only focuses on those careers like engineering, doctors, lawyers and etc whereby there is not much opportunity provided to those with artistic talents. If you actually look at the courses provided by the polytechnics, only less than 30% are courses that involve the media, design and etc. Because Singapore is very small with scare resources so we need to focus on academic based jobs to survive in this competitive society. Because to speak from my personal experience, I want to go to a media communication course here in Singapore but I was always kept constantly reminded the fact that it will never be easy and it is very difficult to enter university with the limited vacancies available. It is a border for me too. I am not those rich kids that can afford to go overseas studies and that is a very big disadvantage for me. And it is very difficult or almost impossible with a percentage of less than 10% of the fact that you can make it in the industry here in Singapore. I know with hard work everything is possible but we, the people with the dreams, were sometimes taught to be think realistically.

  Though there are critics about the fact that the education system here in Singapore is changing for the better, towards the non-academic side, it does really takes time, maybe years of decades or more.

   "Singaporeans are narrow-minded": I believe this was due to the way of how we behave and act because I sometimes really felt that they tend to complicate small little issues which I really don't get it. I mean take for instance, " Men caught drinking water in mrt" He could be thirsty so he drank the water. It is just small little matter and yet it was posted online. 60% of the articles were mainly one-sided and just small issues.

  I personally do also felt that some follow by the rules. Because sometimes when you do something differently, people just judge you. You can't always follow what others do simply because it is a rule. And also I meant by majority of the people.

   This also explains the next point of "freedom of speech". From Steph's video, you can see there is so many controversy going on, with so many people condemning her and more. Saying that her video might be an negative impact on the impressionable as many of the people, especially the teenagers are agreeing to her stance. However I believe that doesn't signify the point that everyone want's to migrate out of Singapore and etc. Like as I said, people are making a big fuss out of this. Of course, everyone has an opinion on they view certain issues but there is no need to complicate things up.

  Journalist in Singapore or those media related normally do not have freedom of speech simply because they are controlled by the government. And that kinda sucks too. It's like media censorship, I guess.

   Another thing mentioned that '' Singaporeans are not happy". The statistic by the HPI ( Happy Planet Index) has ranked Singapore in the 90th position of being happy in the world.

  So as above, you all could see was the top 10 countries HPI and other statistics. Singapore generally has great life expectancy, ecological footprint and average experienced well-being when compared to the top HPI countries. It's the " Happiness" that Singapore is loosing out.

  Another point mentioned was that "Singaporeans are not nice people." Okay, for this I will definitely disagree. Because I had an personal experience once in the MRT whereby I was almost crushed by the entrance doors, an lady beside me quickly dragged me in. I was quite sleepy at that point of time that I didn't notice the danger I was in and yet this lady had helped in.And there is also quite a number of kindness acts that i observed. Also I remembered that I had fell down when cycling at a park and there was a number of people who came to ask me, "hey are you alright?" And there were many more also. This small simple act could already show the kindness.

   I understand that she is saying based on her personal experience in Australia compared to here In Singapore. In Singapore, there is the difference of the culture. We are generally more conservative and are not too "open" and "over friendly" too. So most of the Singaporeans are generally shy too, with the part of Asian culture that we are not too direct with certain issues too when compared to western cultures.

  With all the agreements and disagreements that I came up with, I am generally proud to be an Singaporean, though there are points which I agree with Steph Micayle. ( Oh wait, I'm actually an PR but I been staying here since I was born. So let's just say I am a Singaporean)

Because every country has it's flaw, so Singapore is considered very good. It makes me feel safe with the low crime rate too. Besides, I can't imagine living in a country with high crime rates too. We just got to embrace it and accept it too. As much as I said, That's all for now. Bye.